


Headlights Call My Name...

by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies



Series: Vent Fics [4]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, I need help, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Running Away, Songfic, Swearing, allusions to blurryface, he's not exactly named but he's there, slight references to child abuse, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-17 17:02:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16099958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies/pseuds/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies
Summary: So many people had it so much worse than him, so why was it him that was running away on a cold October night?  Him, and not one of those others?Or maybe they were running.  He’d never know - he was too caught in his own head.





	1. fake you out (our brains are sick but that's ok)

_ I want to drive away _

 

**No, no.  No.**

**No!  Let me** **_out!_ **

 

_ In the night, headlights call my name _

 

Tyler was walking, ukulele in one hand, guitar in the other, a backpack slung over his back.  He would’ve taken his bike, but he didn’t need it. He could walk to the train station, it wasn’t that far.

 

_ I’ll never be, be what you see inside _

 

Should he go back?  Was it too late? He’d bought the ticket, he’d packed his bags, he’d made his plans...but was it all in vain?

No.  No. They thought too much of him, their expectations were too high, they kept him under close watch, he just wanted to get out.

 

_ You say I’m not alone, but I am petrified _

 

So many people had it so much worse than him, so why was it him that was running away on a cold October night?  Him, and not one of those others?

Or maybe they were running.  He’d never know - he was too caught in his own head.

 

_ You say that you are close, is close the closest star? _

 

**Josh…**

 

_ You just feel twice as far _

 

“Josh...”

He remembered half-sobbing, half-whispering into his phone, hoping, begging, pleading to any God that might be out there that Josh would pick up.  That Josh would stop him from doing something stupid. That Josh would meet him in the forest just like he had every time Tyler had called him in the middle of the night before.

But Josh never picked up.

So Tyler grabbed the backpack he’d kept packed, he grabbed his ukulele and his guitar, he bought the tickets, and he  _ ran.   _ That was all he could do, really.

So you'd better believe that he fucking ran.

He ran as if his life depended on it - and maybe it did.  Maybe if he stayed any longer, he’d end up dead. 

And, more likely than not, he’d end up dead by his own hand, his own knife on his own wrist.  

 

_ You just feel twice as far… _

 

“Josh,” he whispered into the still night, watching his breath billow in a misty cloud against the black sky.

But he wasn’t going to call again.  Josh was asleep, and Tyler was okay.

He was running for his life in some kind of goddamn fucked-up race against himself, but he was okay.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_ And I’ll fall _

 

Walking was just falling.  Controlled falling.

Just like everything else in life.

Falling, falling, falling, and all on purpose.

Funny how that works.

 

_ And I’ll break _

 

One step.  Another. One foot on the train.

 

_ And I’ll fake _

 

**Run, run, run.**

He had to get out.

 

_ All I wanna _

 

This was what he wanted, right?  He was okay with leaving it all behind?

He was too young.

Too young to want to die, too young to be on his own, just...too young.

 

_ And I’ll fall down _

 

Hop off the train at his stop.

**Ready?**

 

_ And I’ll break down _

 

He fell apart slowly as he answered his own question, steeling his nerves.

**Ready.**

 

_ And I’ll fake you out _

 

It was what he did.  It was his defining feature - well, more of a defining action, really - to push everyone away by faking his emotions.

 

_ All I wanna _

 

**You want this, Tyler.**

**You** **_want_ ** **this.**

 

He wanted this.

…

Right?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Tyler slept on a bench.  He had nowhere to go.

 

_ I’m so afraid of what you have to say _

 

He woke to twelve missed calls from Josh and felt a jolt of something like fear.

Oh, right.  He’d left a voicemail, hadn’t he?  Josh would be worried.

Josh, who cared about him.  Josh, who had left a voicemail with each of those twelve calls.

 

_ ‘Cause I am quiet now, and silence gives you space. _

 

“Tyler, what’s wrong?  Are you okay? Call me as soon as you can.”

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m in the forest.  Meet me there. Please,” he’d added, almost as an afterthought.

“Where are you?”  Josh sounded near tears, and Tyler felt guilty.  “Seriously, I’m so worried.”

“I called your parents.”  Tyler’s eyes widened, but Josh continued, almost as if he’d known exactly how Tyler would react.  “I know you probably wouldn’t want me to, but I’m scared, Tyler.”

“Wherever you are, please come back.”  His voice was breaking now. “I - I need you.”

All the other ones said the exact same thing, over and over again, with increasing levels of desperation.

“Please come back,” Josh’s broken voice begged, repeated, so insistently that Tyler was tempted to just buy a ticket back just to make sure Josh was okay.  “I need you.”

 

_ It’s the same game today as it always is _

_ I don’t give these places fake my name explaining this _

_ And the wrists of my mind have the bleeding lines _

_ That remind me of all the times _

_ I have committed dirty, dirty crimes _

_ That are perfectly form-fitted _

_ To what I’ve done and what I’m doing _

 

He had to call.  He had to let Josh know that he was okay.

So he called.

The phone barely rang once before Josh’s panicked voice broke through.

“Tyler!”

“Hi, Josh,” Tyler managed to say, his voice hoarse.

“Tyler, oh, my god, are you okay?”

“I’m alright,” Tyler assured him quietly.  “I’m...alive.” He traced the scars on his wrists with his eyes as he spoke, glad that Josh couldn’t see them.

Being Tyler's best - and only - friend, he knew it was bad, but he didn’t know it was  _ that _ bad.

**He wouldn’t care anyway.**

“I was so worried,” Josh breathed, relief clear in his voice.  “God, Ty, I was so worried.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, don’t apologize!” Josh said hurriedly.  “Just...where are you? And what happened last night?”

 

_ I'm brewing and losing and spewing infusing _

_ And believe me that's what all the kids are doing _

_ What kids are doing are killing themselves _

_ They feel they have no control of their prisoner's cell _

_ And if you're one of them then you're one of me _

_ And you would do almost anything just to feel free _

 

“I’m not - I’m not going back home.”

For a good thirty seconds, the only sound was that of Josh’s breathing.  But then, he spoke.

“...Ever?”

“Ever,” Tyler confirmed.  “I can’t. I can’t go back.  I had another little, uh...another little breakdown last night.  And, and I had a bag...so I left.”

“But...where are you?” Josh asked softly.  “I need you, Ty.”

Tyler almost started sobbing when he heard that, when it started echoing in his head,

again

 

and again

 

 

and again

 

 

 

and again.

 

 

 

 

Josh didn’t notice.  He kept talking.

“If you aren’t coming back, then I have to find you.  Please, Tyler.”

“N-no.”

He hated how his voice cracked, coming out in something more like a shattered hiss than actual speech.

“N-no, I can’t.  I’m sorry.”

“Tyler - “

**_“No!”_ **

 

_ Yeah, am I right? _

_ Of course I am _

_ Convince me otherwise would take all night _

_ Before you walk away there’s one more thing I want to say -  _

 

“Tyler,” Josh said again, sharply this time.

_ “Our brains are sick but that’s okay!” _

Tyler shouted it.

A line.

A part in a song.

At least it was a part in a song this time, not a forced part in a torturous play.

Because that was all life was, in the end.  A play, a ploy, toying with his emotions. A play he never even chose to be in.

Only too late did he realize that he’d hung up on Josh.

Perhaps he was still in that play, or perhaps he was watching himself through a television screen as he blocked Josh’s number.

And he was back at it again.

**Keep fucking**   **running.**


	2. the run and go (tonight, i'll need you to stay)

_ I can’t take them on my own, my own _

 

Blocked, blocked, blocked.  Every number that had contacted him in the past month - blocked.  Phone silenced.

**You have to do this alone.**

But what if he couldn’t?  What if it wasn’t possible?  What if he died?

 

_ Oh, I’m not the one you know, you know _

 

He chuckled at that.  It wasn’t like he cared if he ended up dead.  He was messed up already, and he really had nothing left to lose.

 

_ I have killed a man, and all I know _

 

He almost wished he’d thought to bring a knife, though.  He’d prefer dying at his own hand, should something go wrong.

 

_ Is I am on the run and go _

 

Why on earth was he running?  There was no point to it, no point to pushing himself to go faster, when the only thing he was running from was himself and the thoughts in his head.

But then, those thoughts turned to Josh.

 

_ Don’t wanna call you in the nighttime _

 

**No.  No! What are you doing, thinking about** **_him?_ ** **You don’t need him.  This is your problem to deal with.**

 

_ Don’t wanna give you all my pieces _

 

But...all Tyler really wanted now was to go back.

Not back to his parents, necessarily, but back to Josh.

Yeah.  He missed Josh.

He didn’t  _ want _ to miss Josh, though.  He’d wanted to run away from everything in his old life, and he’d managed to do that.  He got out! He succeeded!

So why,  _ why _ was he regretting everything?

 

_ Don’t wanna hand you all my trouble _

 

**Josh deserves better anyway.  You’re too messed up.**

As if they both didn’t know that already.

 

_ Don’t wanna give you all my demons _

 

But maybe he could let Josh back in?  Un-block him, so that they could still talk, but never say anything about where he was?

It was a better alternative than hiding from everyone and living in silent misery - although it wouldn’t be much of a change from his old life.

He acted on impulse, always, and impulse came from emotion, and his emotions had always been able to change in a split second.  So, he’d blocked Josh on an impulse, and all it took was another impulse to un-block him.

He checked the time.  Nine thirty AM.

It had only been eight fifteen when he’d called Josh.  How had he somehow wasted an hour and fifteen minutes just...running?

A text.  Then another.

 

_ Josh: oh thank god _

_ Josh: tyler, please.  i want to help you. _

 

And then, of course, came a call.

 

_ You’ll have to watch me struggle from several rooms away _

 

“Hey, Josh.”

Even to Tyler, the greeting sounded tired.

“Tyler…” Josh’s voice was quieter, gentler.  “Please. I - I need to at least know where you are.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m in Cleveland,” Tyler said.

Josh exhaled softly, his relief obvious.  “Okay. Thank you.”

“So, what now?” Tyler asked, nudging a pebble on the ground with his foot and watching it skitter across the street and into the path of an oncoming car.  He almost wished he was there instead of the pebble. “Are you going to make me come back?”

“Would you be mad at me if I got a train to Cleveland?”

Tyler shrugged before remembering that Josh couldn’t see him.  “Probably not...I don’t know. You’re not going to tell anyone where I am, right?”

Josh sighed.  “I guess not, Ty, just...I’m - I don’t know.”

Tyler stopped in his tracks, tense, and shook his head.  “No. You’ve got to promise. Because I  _ can’t _ go back, Josh, I can’t.”

“Fine.  I promise.”

**He doesn’t mean it.**

 

_ But tonight, I’ll need you to stay _

 

“I’ll see you soon, then,” Josh said.

“See you soon,” Tyler echoed.

Josh hung up.

**He won’t even show up.**

**You’re wasting your time.**

**You’re wasting his time.**

**Why aren’t you running?  Just run.**

**What the fuck is wrong with you?**

 

_ I am up against the wall, the wall _

 

Suddenly he felt vulnerable, exposed.  He wanted to hide, to find somewhere he could feel safe.  Everything seemed to crash down on him all at once, everything he’d done the night before, everything he had yet to do, too much, too much too much  _ too  _ **_much -_ **

 

_ For I hear them coming down the hall _

 

He had to get at least one of the demons in his head out.  It was getting too crowded in there.

**That’s saying something.  There’s plenty of space.**

Was that his own way of calling himself an airhead?

Probably.

He pulled out his ukulele and plucked each string in succession, an old habit he was glad he’d developed for the sake of making sure his ukulele, or his guitar, or whatever other instrument he’d picked up that day was in tune before he started playing.

It was nothing complicated.  One of the first songs he wrote, actually, so he didn’t have enough experience at writing to include anything special.

It was just his old mantra, really, what he used to play when his head was dark and heavy like this.

And god, he hated it.

He hated it because he’d played it so many times to bring himself back from the edge.  He hated it because it reminded him of all the times that he had nothing and no one else to keep his thoughts at bay.

 

_ I have killed a man and all I know _

 

Too dark, too heavy.  The only solution was to kill his own mind, to kill all conscious thought, to keep himself awake until he was always too tired to think too hard, too tired to be upset.

He knew it hurt him more than it helped him, in the end, but he didn’t care.

He was too damn tired to care, and wasn’t that sort of the point?

 

_ Is I am on the run and go _

 

He wanted to run again, almost as soon as the last chord rang out.  He glanced down and saw that money had begun collecting in his ukulele case, then glanced up and saw that a small crowd had begun collecting around him.

He flashed the group a nervous smile before gathering the money, shoving it into one of the smallest pockets of his backpack, packing up his ukulele, and leaving.

He’d wait for Josh by the train station.  Yeah. That worked.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Tyler!  You’re here!”

Tyler’s head shot up, and he saw Josh running toward him.  He stood.

“Can I hug you?” Josh asked as he slowed down, nearing the bench Tyler had been sitting on.  Tyler nodded and was immediately enveloped in a warm, tight-but-not-too-tight hug. 

This was Josh in a nutshell - or rather, in a brief moment of contact.  He knew exactly how to make sure Tyler was comfortable, to make sure Tyler felt safe.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Josh whispered in his ear before he pulled back, allowing Tyler to slip out of his arms of his own accord.

“I’m not going back,” Tyler told him bluntly.  Better to be up front and honest about it, he figured.

“I know,” Josh sighed.  “And I’m not going to force you to.  I just - I can’t - I don’t want to have to live without you.  I want to keep you in my life, at the very least. I’d miss you too much if you were just...gone.”

“You think  _ you’d _ miss  _ me?” _ Tyler scoffed.  “I bet I’d miss you more.”

**Love sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?**

**Love really fucking sucks.**

But it was one of his best-kept secrets.  There was no way he was going to give it up now, especially not after he’d already escaped.  He couldn’t let Josh know that he really  _ was _ thinking about going back, just for Josh’s sake.

“But I  _ would _ miss you,” Josh insisted.  “And...I don’t want to miss you.”

“I’m sorry,” Tyler said quietly.  “You can visit, or whatever, but now that I’ve managed to get out...well, if I went back, everything would be even worse.”

Josh shook his head slowly, biting his lip, his brow furrowed.  “I wish I’d been awake when you called. I’m so stupid.”

“No, you’re not,” Tyler protested.  “You’re normal. You have a proper sleeping schedule and your life doesn’t revolve around - around keeping me safe or something.  That’s not your job, Josh. If anyone should be keeping me safe, it’s my parents, and that obviously isn’t going to happen.”

“They didn’t even seem to care when I called them,” Josh admitted softly.  “I’m sorry.”

Tyler shrugged.  “It’s not like I care about leaving them, so why should they care about it, either?”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_ Cold nights under siege from accusations _

 

**It’s all your fault that Josh is upset.**

 

“No, it’s not,” Tyler argued with himself, his voice barely more than a whisper.  Josh had insisted upon staying with him for as long as possible, which, according to the train schedule, meant he wasn’t going to be able to leave until the next morning.  It was now almost midnight, which, according to Josh’s sleep schedule, meant that he was now asleep next to Tyler on the bench, his head resting on Tyler’s shoulder.

 

_ Cerebral thunder in one-way conversations _

 

**It’s all your fault that he’s out here in the cold.**

**He should be back at home, not here out of pity.**

**You’re not worth his time anyway.**

“I’m really not,” Tyler began, glancing at the boy sleeping next to him and directing the rest of his sentence toward Josh, even though he was asleep.

_ “But tonight, I’ll need you to stay.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy about the new album. I was so excited to listen to it that I woke up at 2:30am and then cried twice while listening to it and couldn't stop crying for a good half an hour afterwards.  
> Chlorine is such a bop, Neon Gravestones is heartbreaking, and Leave the City is indescribably amazing.  
> This album is my favorite.  
> Galaxy ||-//

**Author's Note:**

> This is a vent fic. I don't know where it's going. I'm dealing with a lot and having some trouble focusing on my other fics, so I'm writing this instead.  
> I need help, honestly. But I'll be fine.  
> Galaxy ||-//


End file.
